Struggling to find my focus. Dealing with my insecurities. My fears, my frustrations, my hopes, and my desires.
I’ve got so many things I want to write and share, but ….
I get distracted. I get afraid. I’ve got to fold the laundry, make dinner, feed Naomi, let the dog out, etc etc.
And the day is gone. I’m left frustrated and agitated again. I sit down to write and my mind gets lost in a myriad of Facebook posts, and links to make money (major distraction right now). Then its late. I’m tired, and agitated even more – and I feel like a failure.
I get up the next morning and determine to do better, just to be hit by the wave of negative emotions and thoughts of how is this day going to be any different than the rest.
How is this post going to be any different that the other one that I’ve been writing for the last week that is sitting in the draft box?
I’m going to post it – flaws and mistakes and all. (So if you’re reading this and see a lot of typos – please excuse them. I have to get past my perfectionism that is holding me back!).
God has a plan for me to write. To write boldly and confidently and to share what He’s been teaching me. I’m to encourage and teach as I’ve been taught.
I’m not going to listen to the lies that Satan keeps telling me that I’m not good enough. That nobody wants to hear what I have to say. That I’m just going to fail again. That I’m not doing this blogging thing good enough.
I’m going to stop listening to my perfectionist side that says, you better make this bold, and go back and fix that. You’ve got to use the right format, and figure out how to do xy and z first.
I’m just going to be obedient to what God is telling me. To write.
“Mama, you are strong. Persevering. Tough. Able to bend without breaking. Willing to be humbled to the point of humiliation. Not blinded. A hunter for wisdom. A praying through woman. A courageous mama. One that wants your child to not just follow the rules but, more.” Lysa TerKeurst
That’s me. That’s what I’m called to be – A hunter for wisdom. Willing to share my humiliation and heartbreak, and seek the wisdom in it to share with others.
It’s a daunting task. A task I don’t think I can do.
And yet I must. There is the compelling voice inside me telling me I must. Telling me I can.
So I’m swallowing every part of me that wants to scream and run in fear. With tears streaming down my face, I’m writing. I’m sharing. Obeying God the best way I know how.
At the side bar of her post I see a link for (in)Courage. I saw it yesterday and was curious about it. So I clicked it today. And what I read was just another powerful way that the Lord said to me – Go. Write.
The post shared exactly what my screaming heart has been saying. Everything from the lying voice inside my head, to my unconfessed fears of insignificance. And gave me the courage to move forward.
“I know that voice (the lying one) is a one-way-ticket to walking away from all the glory and the beauty that has been planned into my DNA. And yes some of it will be messy. And some of it won’t turn out the way I imagined. And much of it will be a work in progress.
But the some things I might not be perfect at, aren’t the sum total of no good.
I might not be good enough, brave enough, profound enough. But the God who made me – He. is. enough.”
I don’t want to miss what God has planned for me. So I’m going to keep writing. If for no one else, then as an act of obedience to the Lord.
I’m going to listen to voice of the Holy Spirit, and allow Him to transform me by the renewing of my mind (Romans 12). This is going to mean I have to take every thought captive (I know there’s a reference here but I don’t know the address). Starting now, and every thought from now.
I know its not going to be perfect. I know its going to get messy at times.
I know I’m going to have to walk in faith for our finances. I’m going to have to let go of some dreams and some pursuits in life. I’m going to have to say ‘no’ to some of the good activities and opportunities to help and serve that come my way. I’m going to have to open myself up to criticism and hurt, even by those I hold dear.
I don’t have it to do it. But the power of the Living God is in me – the same power that rose Christ from the dead (again I’ll have to find the reference to the Scripture here 🙂 ).
HE IS ENOUGH!